Solving Marital Problems

Your voices have been heard! I've taken the common marital problems you have presented me with and provided easy and realistic solutions for you. Take a look:

Can't decide whether the toilet paper goes over the top or under? Easy-own a house with enough bathrooms that he can have his roll the way he likes it in his and you can have your roll the way you like yours. Or, do away with toilet paper all together and hook up a butt squirter where your TP roll used to be. That way you get a refreshing spray with every dump.

Can't decide how to squeeze the toothpaste out of the tube? Easy- stop brushing your teeth with toothpaste. Use baking soda and some hydrogen peroxide or better yet, don't brush your teeth at all. Just swish with sprite every night. Works just as well.

Can't decide how to load the dishwasher or whether the silverware should go up or down? - Easy. Use paper plates and bowls and eat with your hands. Paper comes from trees which means that paper plates are biodegradable and therefore earth friendly--much better than those earth-killer plastic plates you probably have in your cabinet. Plus, think of all that water you'll save by not running the dishwasher.

Can't decide how to fold your towels? Easy- don't use towels. Drip dry from your shower everyday. Sure, it might take a little longer but at least you will have less laundry.

Fighting over the remote control? Easy- have a fight to the death using only sharpened sticks. Winner gets complete control of the remote.

Can't decide whether to line up your shoes in the closet or next to the bed? Easy-mix them up and shove them all under the bed. That way it's like a game to find a matching pair every morning. Plus, you'll have more closet space for your ant farm.

You want to see other people but your spouse isn't OK with it? Easy- set up a secret lair in your basement closet where you can tap into the security cameras at the mall. That way you can see all the people you want. Fat people, skinny people, posers, skaters, teeny-boppers, Asians - you name it.

If you can think of any other marital problems that you just can't seem to solve, please, post here. I'm sure I'll have the perfect solution.