Have You Ever Noticed....

Disclaimer: All of the below is said Tongue In Cheek so please read it as such. Otherwise it is going to come off as really High-In-Mighty and all scoldy which is really not me. So please, people. Tongue In Cheek.

Have you ever noticed that when you see a woman do something in the kitchen, or with her child that you don't agree with, you just keep your mouth shut and think, "I don't agree with that, but, it's her kitchen/child and that is how she is choosing to handle that."

But, if we see a man do something we don't like we automatically have license to correct him because he's just a stupid man that doesn't know how to do anything when he's out of his domain AKA work.

That is something that I have just recently realized that many women, including myself, do subconsciously and, for men, annoyingly often. I know that I think I am helping to correct my wayward Husband or Father or Brother when I correct them so quickly but really I am cutting their confidence in half and driving them away from participating in the kitchen or with child care or any number of domestic tasks that women ALWAYS wish their husbands were more involved in.

I'm pretty possessive about my kitchen and I would always tell Casey what he was doing wrong while he was cooking or loading the dishwasher etc. because I can be pretty particular. One day Casey just walked out of the kitchen and I thought exasperatedly, "Ugh. Now his ego is hurt and I have to go pet it and make it better when all I'm trying to do is help him be better! Can't he see that?!?"

Then Casey made a point that has changed our marriage forever. He told me, "I can be right in the kitchen." And I thought, "That's true." He can be right in the kitchen. Just because he is not doing something exactly how I would do it, doesn't mean that he isn't valid in his approach. Ever since I have taken that stance in our marriage and I go to nit-pick him, I first think, "Casey can be right in the kitchen." It has taken time for me to let go, but it has increased Casey's confidence and made him WANT to participate more in domestic tasks which gives both of us a lot of joy.

We LOVE working together to cook a meal, do the dishes or clean the house. It is very gratifying and fun because he feels confident in his abilities around the house and I love being with him. He is also a wonderful and involved father who is confident in taking care of our son. My friends are always amazed when I would leave the house right after I had the baby- they would always say, "Where is your baby?!" I would tell them my husband was taking care of him and they were always shocked.

Granted, some men don't feel comfortable with being left with an infant and that is fine. Babies are definitely a learning experience, but Casey felt confident and I feel confident in him so I entrust him with all the tasks that I normally do to take care of our child.

This blends over into all areas of our relationship. Men can be right. And since I have let go of my superior, let-me-teach-you-how-to-do-things-around-the-house-correctly attitude, I have become a better cook and housekeeper because Casey has taught ME how to do things better than the way I used to do them.

I'm SO grateful for a wonderful husband who is willing to find the joy in housework and tell me what he thinks of my curtains instead of using the stupid excuse, "Why should I care about the curtains? I'm a man." UUGGHHHH! Definitely something that won't fly in our house- using your gender as an excuse for apathy or laziness. But gender is also not an excuse to assume that one point of view is constantly right and one is constantly wrong....although I am usually right. :)

So women, let your men be right. If you want your man to help out in the house, don't nag him! Make it fun, boost his confidence so that he enjoys being home more than being at work because he feels loved and supported. That is the way to snag your man.

EXAMPLE:

One time, early in our marriage, Casey was sitting on the couch playing on his computer while I was in the kitchen making spaghetti. I was annoyed that he was choosing laziness over helpfulness but instead of complaining about it I tried a little experiment. I said, "Casey, how do you always get the hamburger to break up into such even little chunks when you cook it? Mine always look so lumpy..." Lo and behold, that brought him right into the kitchen to show off his skillz! Not too long after that when he realized that he was making the sauce while I prepared the salad, bread and pasta he looked at me slyly and said, "You said that because you knew that would get me in here to help make dinner didn't you? You don't really admire my even little chunks!" Lol- he knows me too well. But he does make more even chunks when browning hamburger than I do and it was a better way to get him in the kitchen than giving him a guilt trip.

SUCCESS!

Tricky Gurl

Yeah, I'm a tricky gurl (sic).

Tonight after I put the baby to bed I was teasing Casey and getting him all riled up while he was loading the dishwasher. He eventually reached the cracking point and warned me, "I am so coming to tackle you in 10 seconds when I finish doing these dishes."

I'm not stupid- at that point I fled the room and went to the bedroom so that if I was going to get tackled it would at least be on a soft surface like the bed. Then, inspiration struck!

I hadn't turned on the lights in the room yet, so I left them off and ran to the bed. I quickly threw back the covers and stuffed my pillow down towards the foot of the bed and Casey's pillow right beside it so it looked like a body under the covers. I drew the covers up and put the book that I had been holding while I was taunting him on the corner of the bed. Just for good measure.

I heard Casey coming down the hall, using the light from his open laptop to guide his way. I quickly sequestered myself behind the bathroom door just opposite from our bed.

I quieted my breathing and just listened.

. . .

. . . . .

. . . . . . . . .

I heard him come into the bedroom and call, "Tukataa?" (This is his Thai name for me meaning "little doll.")

He took a few more steps towards the bed and again called, "Tukataa? Where are you?" (Sometimes we play hide-and-seek like children and pretend we can't see the obvious lump under the blankets where our spouse is hiding so that we can look around a little bit before attacking the hidden person. It builds the suspense.)

I peeked out from behind the door and saw Casey firmly position himself at the bottom of the bed, trying to determine the best strategy for attack.

I saw him tip-toe up to the bed and prep for the grab at "me" AKA the pillows, when I rushed out of the bathroom with a "ha!" (quietly, because Sander is sleeping in the next room), and tackled him!

Yeah, we had a good time playin'. I'm a tricky gurl!

Besides, who says that just because you are married with a house and a baby you have to act like an adult all the time? ;)

Sunday Romp

This past Sunday was a B-E-A-utiful day in Utah! The cold, grimy weather broke for one day of shiny, chilly goodness.

After I got home from church, Sander went down for a nap, Casey and I had lunch and we decided to take advantage of the weather and go on a walk. What started as a nice, leisurely walk through the neighborhood somehow turned into a romp in the hilly easement behind our house.

It was extremely exhilarating to be outside in the sunshine after being cooped up inside by the cold, wet weather for so long. My inner child came out to play and, in a most unlady-like fashion, jumped over hills, ran though weeds and balanced on rocks while laughing and talking with my best friend (that's Casey btw.) We played until we found the baby monitor's range limit and then headed back home. (The monitor actually got pretty far! It was quite impressive!)

I was wearing a orange and pink sweater, a black skirt and; to complete the ensemble; a pair of beat-up, dusty tennis shoes- the epitomized picture of a tom boy. People looking down from their balconies at us probably thought they were watching and listening to a couple of kids play around in the easement between houses instead of two responsible adults taking a break from the cares of life to enjoy the sunshine.

The experience was actually quite liberating. It has been too long since I have thrown off my adult facade and let my inner child run free.

As we sat panting on our front steps, leaning against each other for support and listening to our baby's quiet breathing as he slumbered blissfully in his swing, I realized that life is good. In that moment, life was perfect. AND, in honor of the experience, I have coined my own phrase, or rather, I suppose it is one of my philosophies for life:

"Responsibility is what makes life run smoothly, Spontaneity is what keeps life fun."

You need a little bit of each in life and as long as you keep things in balance, life will be good. :0)

The Ideal- What's Wrong with It?

I have been thinking long and hard about "the ideal." In fact, I was so deep in thought in the shower that I almost washed my face twice! Or maybe I had already washed it twice and I stopped myself on the third go around......

Anyway. I have been thinking about Ideals, more specifically, the Ideal of a family unit. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints released The Family: A Proclamation to the World in September 1995. In that document they talk about the ideal family unit with a mother and a father who each have unique and divine qualities and responsibilities.

Some people have a problem with ideals because they feel that ideals are essentially unattainable and therefore depressing because people always feel like they are failing or falling short. Many people in the world today are spouting theories or amoral relativity. In other words, there are no ideals, there is no right way. It is all about what ever works for you and what you think is best.

The latter part of that statement I agree with- conditionally. But, it needs some tweaking.

Ideals are great things. Ideals are things that are meant to be striven for- not necessarily obtained. Remember the saying: "Shoot for the moon. Then, if you fall short, you will at least hit the stars." If we, as a society, do not have an ideal and strive to maintain it, then the natural entropic forces of life will degrade the ideal further. It is only but putting in the work, striving for the ideal, fighting against entropic forces, that we can resist the natural degradation of society.

I understand that there are many different types of people and families and, ultimately, you have to do what works for you. Each person has to evaluate their circumstances and do the best that they can, but that doesn't mean that they cannot hold the ideal as a distant goal.

I know some people who don't want to have children, and that's fine. That is their choice. But, personally, the people that I know that don't want to have kids, don't want kids because they had home lives that were screwed up in some way and they don't want to inflict, what they view as a normal childhood, on children of their own. And maybe that is noble. But, just because we are born into circumstances doesn't mean that we are not allowed to change them or rise above them.

Maybe, ideally, if these people grew up in homes with a mother and father who were patient, loving and kind, then they would understand the joy that can come from being part of a family unit and they would want to have kids. But, life often finds us short of our ideal preferences.

Maybe, if our society didn't define our contributions to our families by our gross income, women would find more joy in being mothers and staying home to raise their kids. It is SO naive to believe that the most and best thing a woman and a man can contribute to their families is money. We have so much more to give- why does society limit us in this way?!?

I went through this struggle. I left college early because I got married and my husband got a job in Texas. I freaked out. What are people going to think of me if I have kids and don't finish college? What am I going to say when people ask me what I do and I have no professional career accomplishments to share with them? Am I always going to have to bear that hidden scorn that people are always one second two slow to hide from my discerning eye?

Well, guess what? I know who I am, and I know what is important. Yes, I was married at 19. Yes, I have a son. No, I haven't finished my degree. Yes, I will graduate by April 2011 because I believe a quality education is important. I defy society to tell me that because I will be a stay-at-home mother that I am wasting my life and my talents in a position that is little better than a slave or a maid. (Which I also disagree with. Being a Mom requires sacrifice and selflessness but the rewards are great. I find that when I struggle most as a mother, it is because I am being selfish in some way or another. Selfisness- an indulgence I gave up when I decided to raise a child- for the most part. (-:)

Society- you don't get it. There are seasons of life. When I was single, I could try to have a career and change the world. When my children are grown I can try to have a career and change the world- if I want. Right now, I have a son. And I plan to have more children, and at this season in my life I am going to be a Mom. A Super Duper Mom.

"The Hand that Rocks the Cradle is the Hand that Rules the World." Mothers raise the next generation. If all the women are out, working, and leaving their children to be raised by other people- then they are giving up their chance to influence the next generation. Some mothers choose to work, and some mothers have to work and that is fine. You have to do what You have to do.

But that doesn't mean that there cannot be an ideal and that we cannot strive for it to the best as our circumstances will allow us to.

Let's hold onto our ideals. Let's strive for our ideals and in so doing, make the world a better place.

P'wnd!

That's right- Casey got Punk'd!

We recently signed up for Dish Network and when my friend came by to install it, he showed me how I can set up the Dish so that the TV in our family room and the old TV in our basement in front of our exercise equipment have dual capabilities- meaning that each TV can view a different channel at once. Or, I can set it the Dish so that both TV's share the screen so only one channel can be watched on both TV's.

Well, I couldn't miss a golden opportunity like that to mess with Casey! So, this Saturday while he was upstairs watching football with Sander and I was running on the treadmill I got the perfect opportunity.

I turned the TV on and saw that football was on and I realized that I had changed the mode from the Dual settings a little while ago so we were sharing a screen. I quickly flipped to the Guide and found a show that I knew Casey would NEVER watch and would hate having on his screen- 16 and Pregnant. To make it even better, right at the moment I changed the channel, a pregnant girl had her shirt up and she was inserting a new belly ring into her 8-month pregnant belly button. Casey of course, immediately flipped it back to football. And I, of course, immediately flipped it back to 16 and Pregnant.

After a few times of switching back and forth there was a long lull where 16 and Pregnant stayed on so I knew I was going to get it. Sure enough, a second later Casey clomped down the basement steps and said, "Are you jackin' with me??!"

I almost fell off the treadmill I was laughing so hard. I told him about the dual monitors and then he made me come upstairs and fix it so he could watch football while I finished working out.

It was awesome. :0)