Officially Sick

As a kid, being sick really isn't that bad!

Sure, you feel miserable, but you get to sit around all day watching video games and TV, you don't have to go to school, Mom makes you jell-o, pudding, and chicken soup, you get to sleep all day-- dude, that is posh!

Now, I'm experiencing my first time as a sick parent and the whole experience has definitely degraded. No matter how bad you feel, you still have to go to school, still have homework to do, still have to change diapers, still have to make food to feed hungry little tummies (including your spouses), still have to do the laundry (cause everyone WILL eventually run out of clean underwear), still need to vacuum and do dishes.

Pretty much, life continues as normal except for the fact that your operating system is running at 40% instead of 110%.

I don't know how mom's do it. I never remember my mom being really sick, but then again, she was kind of an Iron Woman.

My strategy- take Vitamin C, drink plenty of OJ and water, order take-out, take a hot bath while baby plays in his entertainment saucer, sleep while baby does and PRAY PRAY PRAY that I feel better by finals next week.

Going Bald

I know what you are thinking- and no, this is not a post about my handsome husband. ;) (Sorry hunny, those are the facts of life!)

I am talking about myself. For the past 2 months I have been losing hair in DROVES! My shower wall is covered with the stuff, I can't stick my hand under my pillow at night without getting it caught in my fingers, and it even strangled the belt on my vacuum cleaner so it wouldn't turn anymore (the fact that I was vacuuming at all is an oddity in itself since the sound of it kind of scares me ever since I was pregnant with Sander- yeah, I know I'm weird).

At the rate of my hair loss, I should be completely bald in another two months, I would say. Luckily, as I was perusing babycenter.com, I noticed a tab about hair loss. It turns out that I AM losing hair at an abnormal pace-- in comparison to the last 13 months.

Turns out, the hair on our heads grows for a certain amount of time and has a "rest phase" where the hair just hangs around before it moves onto the next phase- falling out. When a woman gets pregnant the "resting phase" for hair follicles gets longer. This is why pregnant women have such thick, lustrous hair, and around four months after baby arrives the husband gets to tease her about how she must be going bald with the amount of hair she is losing. The hair has resumed its normal resting phase time and hair starts falling out much more quickly than a woman has been used to for the past year+.

To make matter worse, my hair is very long due to my husband urging me to fight the "mom's cut their hair short" stereotype and (here's a teaser), I'm growing my hair out due to a possible film opportunity . . . . more on that later. ;)

So, with the masses of my hair around the house, in all of the garbage cans and vacuum cleaner bins, it is quite possible that there is enough of it to have the hair clumps take on a life of their own, forming a life-sized mass to terrorize me and make my house into a modern day horror story.

I'll keep you updated on the details of that situation- meanwhile, what an awesome idea for a children's book. "MOM'S HAIR MONSTER" . . . catchy.

Baby Superpowers

For the longest time I have felt that babies have superpowers.

They are capable of the most amazing things:

They can make a mother hear their cry from miles away.

They can transform a dead-beat dude into a terrific and dedicated father.

They can melt the heart of the most hardened grandfather who meta-morphs into a babbling over-the-top, clown.

I have known all these things but today I discovered the most amazing and baffling baby power of all that I really have no explanation for.

And that is baby's ability to defy gravity- especially when it comes to their poop.

Sander kindly showed me this phenomenon today. And, truth be told, I was amazed.

Sander was sitting in his Bumbo happily playing with a toy while I was sweeping the kitchen. I leaned over to plant a kiss on his squishy forehead when I sensed the stench.

"Woop! We better go change ya buddy!"

So I carried him into the nursery and set him on the changing table. I pulled off his little pants to inspect the damage. I saw a little leakage down the left leg onto the onesie so he would have to be changed but, still not too bad. I unbuttoned the snaps on his onesie, lifted his legs and slid the onesie up his back with my hand . . . big mistake. This I realized as I pulled my now poopy hand back out from under him.

::sigh::

Alright, a routine diaper change has just turned into a Situation. I knew the cloth diaper I had under him was finished- it was definitely going to have to be washed so I proceeded to implement the emergency procedures.

First, clean off my hand so the poop is contained.

Second, lift the front of the onesie up as high as I can and extract the baby arms from the sleeves.

Third, unbutton the snaps at the neck and carefully lift the front of the onesie up and over his head while trying to keep the back of the onesie as far down as possible so the poop doesn't slide up all over his back.

Usually this 1-2-3 procedure works pretty well and after a lot of wipes he's pretty clean, but this was not a normal poop. I realized that it is up to his neck, all over his back and even on the back of his arms. I'm thinking:

"Dang Sander! That had to have been one heck of a poop for it to spread all the way up here!"

At this point, it is a lost battle. I fill up the tub and put Sander in it to clean him off. After he is cleaned, diapered, and dressed I go to clean up the changing table so it won't stink up the nursery too badly. My first item of business is to satisfy my morbid curiosity and look in his diaper to see what a huge explosion he must have had-- here is where the amazing part is:

There was almost NO poop in his diaper. There was a little on the side where it leaked out of the bottom and then it was all over the top where it squished out, but the bottom of the diaper was white and pristine. Somehow, Sander defied gravity and instead of letting his poop drop down into his diaper, he sent it shooting straight up the back.

Like I said, Superpowers.

2010 Reflections

WARNING: This post contains religious overtones. I respect that some people may not feel about religion as I do, but it's my blog so I'm going to talk about how I feel on the subject. I would just ask any commenters to follow your mother's advice: "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." :)

As I went through my meetings in church today, several people made comments about their reflections of the year 2010. That made me realize that I haven't really reflected on my year at all.

Thinking back over the year 2010, it was definitely the most difficult year of my life. Most people have maybe one or two life altering events a year. I can think of at least four that happened to me in 2010.

I moved to Utah, got in a pretty bad car accident that totaled our car, my husband left the church, and I had a baby. I also started school again, taking an 18 credit hour semester which was a humdinger! (I wanted to get in as many credits as possible before baby came, and with the looming prospect of being a full time mom and student this coming Winter semester, I am SO GLAD I did!) However, for the purposes of this post, I am going to focus mainly on the first four events that I shared with you.

As often happens in life, sometimes some of the sweetest blessings come when we are enduring bitter circumstances.

Moving to Utah!

Upon moving to Utah I have had the opportunity to meet some of the most wonderful people and friends that I have ever had in my life. In the short 8 months that we have lived here I have discovered more of a community in my little neighborhood than I have ever encountered in any of the five places I have lived since I moved away from my home Ward, where I had known most of the people since my childhood, to go to college. What first seemed like a sheltered, closed, cold community opened up into an outpouring of love and support from so many wonderful people in my neighborhood. All it took was a little bit of an effort on my part to get involved and to get to know people.

I am so grateful for the people that I have met that have unhesitatingly opened their arms and unstintingly poured out their love to me. I don't think they will ever know how much I needed that this year and how much it has saved me.

Car Accident!

Earlier this year we got in a car accident that totaled our poor Subaru and most of the possessions that we had packed in an effort to clean out our Texas apartment for the big move. A car going 30-40 mph broadsided our car on my passenger side, perfectly plowing into our car in the exact middle of our tires. I was 14 weeks pregnant at the time. Miraculously, I walked away with only three staples to close the gash in my head caused by the glass from my window, a bruise on my right calf and a sore body for a couple of days. The baby was totally fine and probably had a good time sloshing around in the amniotic fluid ("fun mom! can we do that again?!"). Later that day, when we went to salvage what we could from our car, the guy who towed our car was amazed to see that I had escaped with so little injury.

I attribute my protection to guardian angels and thank the Lord that my husband had us say a prayer of safety before we left the IHOP where we had eaten breakfast, just 3 minutes before our accident.

Apostasy!

Not long after the accident, a huge surprise came my way. My husband left the church. Many of you may be thinking, "So what? What's the big deal?" But you have to understand, that I have tried to live my entire life in such a manner that I could marry a man in the temple and raise my children in the gospel. I have worked my entire life to be able to have a home that radiates joy, love and service as we worship Christ and try to emulate his example. Having a husband who also wants to have a happy home, but no longer agrees with the projected path to get there, was a huge adjustment to my life perspective. I share the selfish reasons why my husband's change of attitude was hard for me, but there are also monumental spiritual and eternal consequences for his welfare that were just as difficult for me to come to terms with (but, he doesn't want to read about that. (; ). There were several stages of transition as I tried to deal with this new reality, all of which were just as hard as the previous ones.

His disbelief made me really question my belief in the Church and I had to seriously and honestly reevaluate my testimony. While this has been one of the hardest things that I have ever had to go through, I can look back and truly see that "all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good, and to my name’s glory, saith the Lord." D&C 98:3.

My husbands decision made me realize that I needed to make a hard decision about whether I believed in the church or not. I could no longer sit on the fence with certain issues. I either believed or I didn't. And, after a lot of prayer and study, I knew that I did believe. I knew that I could not walk away from the knowledge and experiences I have been given. "I knew it, and I knew that God knew it, and I could not deny it, neither dared I do it; at least I knew that by so doing I would offend God, and come under condemnation" Joseph Smith-- History 1: 25.

It would have been a lot easier to not push the issue with my husband and just go along with his decision for the sake of saving contention in our marriage, for the sake of staying on the same page, for the sake of not losing my best friend. I have never been so in tune with anyone more than I am in tune with my husband. We know and understand each other so well and we are honestly each other's best friend. Holding to my faith was going to put a big gap in between us that could only be crossed by me giving up my faith or him, by returning to the church. I knew that, and that made my decision even harder because I knew that my husband would not be interested in returning to the church for a long time, if ever. But I could not turn my back on my faith.

So, I redoubled my efforts and started striving to live even the smallest of commandments. I know that if I get lackadaisical in the practice of my faith, it will be almost impossible to resist taking the easy path and letting all of this go by the wayside. But I believe in my religion and I have come to see and feel that, the more I strive to keep even the smallest of commandments, the more blessings I receive and the more joy I feel. So, even in this seeming catastrophic trial, I have felt great blessings in my life.

Baby!

The fourth life changing event was having a baby. I don't think this needs much explanation since many of my blogs are dedicated to the trials and joys of motherhood, but I will say this: I love my baby boy. I love being a mom. Even when days are hard, I can't wait to see what sports he will like, if he is good in school, if he likes blocks or legos better, what college he decides to attend etc. etc. etc. And I plan to have more kids to add to the chaos and the joy.

2010 was definitely one of the hardest of my life and, to be honest, I really don't know what 2011 has in store for me. But I am determined to go forward in faith, doing my best to find the blessings amidst the trials and rejoicing in my God who loves me and has blessed me so abundantly.

God is good. God is great.

HOV Bliss

I have found more perks to being a mom.

Yesterday I had to run a lot of errands and Sander has come into a phase where he hates being in the back of the car by himself. You can imagine the stress of a happy, smiling baby in the store transforming into the Demon of Chaos and Screaming every time I put him in the back of the car to go on our next errand.

After I went to the doctor's, Michaels, Costco and Walmart I was mentally at my wits end. My patience meter was quickly running out in direct proportion to the monstrous headache pushing in.

I know, you are wondering how this blog started out with the perks of motherhood and then started spinning horribly into a parallel dimension. Well, the perks came on the drive home.

As I was driving home at 6:30 p.m. in rush hour traffic on the highway, I wistfully looked over into the nice, clear HOV lane where all the cars were wooshing by and wished I could be wooshing too.

Then, the thought occurred to me! Sander technically counts as another entity! I can use the HOV lane now!

Needless to say I zipped on over and as I blissfully got up to speed I left behind the last six hours of screaming baby with all those single-passenger cars stuck in the traffic.

See ya suckas!

Like I said, HOV Bliss.

Live Christmas Nativity

This past Friday December 3, Casey, Sander and I went to the Live Nativity in Alpine!

It was a lot of fun too! You drive to a church and park your car and they have little buses or trailers that take you over to the nativity. Once you get off the bus a shepherd greets you and tells you the beginning of Christ's story. He tells you why Mary and Joseph needed to return to Bethlehem and encourages you to think about the three visitors Christ received the night of his birth. The visitors brought gifts with them; what gifts do we bring to the Savior this Christmas season?

As you follow the string of lights up the path (the very muddy path! It's a good thing we bought an outdoor stroller because Sander was totally off-roading!) you see centurions on horses and shepherd men and women.

Then you are led into a barn where there are various animals and people dressed in the style of the period, performing tasks such as working leather, baking bread, measuring rice, working wood etc.

There were camels!

And carpenters!

And swans!

and sheep!

And to top it all off, a live nativity with a brand new baby! Carolers stood in a balcony above singing Christmas songs. The whole atmosphere was very uplifting and really helped me feel the spirit of the season.

After you walk through there is yummy hot chocolate to warm your hands and tummy with. When Casey and I finished walking through we were talking about what a fun, family outing the experience had been when we came upon a HUGE line to ride the trailers back to the church!

We thought- no way are we going to stand out here in the cold for 20 minutes waiting for a bus! We're walking!

It only took about 7 minutes for us to get back to our car and it was a fun little adventure. The exercise kept us nice and warm but there was definitely some more off-roading!

Sander and Casey successfully returned to the car!

But it got my new boots all muddy! :(

Overall a really fun Christmas activity, but I'll have to reserve total judgment until I get my boots clean!

Nursing Oddities

Sander has all of a sudden decided that he does not like to begin nursing from my right side.

If I attempt to start him on the right side, he will scream and wail until I put him on the left side. Only after he has nursed for awhile on the left will he allow me to transfer him to the right.

Except in the middle of the night. Then it doesn't matter which side I start him on.

What the frack?

I'll let you know if I figure out why Sander is so prejudiced.

I Did it on the Kitchen Floor

That's right. I did it on the kitchen floor. And when I say, "I did it on the kitchen floor" I mean I had an emotional breakdown. On the kitchen floor.

It's been a long week to say the least. Sander is going through another phase. After the Demon Child went on hiatus I had about three days worth of Angel Child before going straight to Insomniac Child. Thus, I have had very little sleep the past week while Sander gets me up every 2 - 3 hours and refuses to nap during the day.

He has no problem going to sleep, he just doesn't stay that way and the bags he is getting under his eyes have more layers than an obese person has chins.

But, I digress.

A couple of weeks ago I signed up to donate a 10 lb. bag of potatoes and a can of olives for some families in the neighborhood who are having financial hardships and are unable to have a traditional Thanksgiving dinner. Or even dinner maybe. Sunday the sign-up sheet came around in church again and I looked at the date and time the dinner kits were being put together and then went home, and wrote it down on my calender like a good, responsible adult.

Monday night I got a call from my friend Heather reminding me that I signed up to bring some food which would need to be at the church at 7:00 p.m. so the kits could be put together and delivered. I smirked to myself, glancing at my calendar and said, "No worries. I've got it under control." ::Pat on my back:: I had bought the potatoes and olives on my weekly trip to the store, I had the time written down on my calendar so I wouldn't forget- what a good, responsible adult! ::Gold star on my chest::

Time warp to today.

Sander slept through the night and only woke me up once.... Sander is letting me exercise at my class without crying the whole time... Sander is going down for a nap so I can shower... THIS IS WONDERFUL!

Enter reality.

I'm making dough for rolls, I'm peeling, chopping, and baking sweet potatoes for the Zaugg-Evenson family Thanksgiving tomorrow, Sander is crying and ridiculously tired but won't stay asleep in his Rock N' Play. I'm running back and forth trying to melt butter and brown sugar and mash sweet potatoes while trying to comfort Sander long enough to take a nap... nope... maybe if I let him cry it out a little bit he will go back to sleep..... nope....ok.....:::rock rock Sander, shh shh Sander, it's ok- Sander sleeps so I put him down:::: oh no! I forgot about the brown sugar and butter on the stove! Whew, it's not burned. :::: Sander cries::: ugh! :: Turn off the heat on the stove, pour brown sugar over sweet potatoes, try to mash second batch of sweet potatoes with a large metal grill spatula, that was a stupid idea, throw that in the sink. Sander is crying. Throw sweet potatoes into the Vita-Mix because that can blend anything! Except apparently sweet potatoes. Crap, they probably need to cook more because they aren't soft enough. I'm done! I can't take it anymore! It will have to wait until tomorrow! ::Go pick up Sander and hold him for four hours so he can sleep because he is SO exhausted and I can feel a little less guilty about the bags under his eyes::::

Enter Casey who has had a rough day at work.

"You are going to have to wait to vent to me because right now I can't take it. I haven't eaten in nine hours, I need to feed him and put him to bed now that he has had his bath and is in his jammies."

Enter leftover Chinese food!

Yum Yum! Halfway through dinner and talking about our days I jump out of my seat because I realize that it is 9:36! The food was supposed to be a the church by 7! I grab my phone and try to call Heather to see if they are still at the church putting kits together or if I can deliver the potatoes after the fact or what.

Enter child on the phone.

I call Heather three times, every time a child picks up the phone and whispers unintelligibly into the phone. All I can hear is a bunch of background noise and what sounds like "Bye-Bye." UGH! Done with that.

I call my friend Tara hoping that she knows what is going on or who I can call to find out what is going on because she is in the Relief Society Presidency. Luckily, she answers the phone and I tell her that I have totally spaced the food drop and ask her if she knows if they are still at the church putting kits together.

She says, "Actually, we put the kits together last night but..."

"What????!! Isn't it Tuesday?" I look frantically at my neatly organized calendar hanging on the wall.

Tara: "No. It's actually Wednesday."

My husband is looking at me from over by the sink with a HUGE smile on his face and I completely collapse on the floor and sprawl out on my back to finish my idiotic conversation with Tara, who couldn't have been nicer.

She told me that everything worked out really well because a lot of people brought some extra things so I shouldn't worry about it. I'm a new mom, it happens.

I thanked her for being so nice and hung up the phone. Casey and I laughed about it really hard for a few minutes until I covered my face with my hands and realized that I am completely falling apart. WHERE DID MY BRAIN GO? I used to be so organized! So on top of things! Now my sweet potatoes won't mash and my attempts at being charitable have been ruined because my brain is GONE! Or malfunctioning. One of the two.

Casey pulled me up off the floor (literally, because my body decided it needed all of its energy to cry and so ceased functioning) and held me while I sobbed against his shoulder. He rubbed my back and told me how sweet I was, that I was wonderful and just had a lot on my mind, that he loves me more than anything, it's ok things aren't perfect, etc.

Finally I calmed enough to smile and Casey took me for cuddles in our amazingly soft and comfortable bed while he talked it all out. He's been working insanely long hours and we definitely needed the time to catch up and reconnect.

In my defense, I did remember. Just one day, two hours and thirty-six minutes late.

Thank the Lord for a husband who can comfort me when I've lost my mind and help me put the crumbled pieces of my organized, responsible, adult life back into some semblance of a working order with a few adjustments to compensate for worry, sleeplessness and all the other wonderful incidentals that come with becoming a parent.

I'm a Chicken- so sue me.

Yes, I admit it. I'm a chicken.

Last night I totally crumbled and let Sander sleep on my chest. (That's not why I'm a chicken though.) The pediatrician tells me that I need to get in the habit of putting my baby down when he is drowsy so he can learn to put himself to sleep or else life will just get harder as he gets older.

The thing is, he doesn't really have a hard time putting himself to sleep- he has a hard time staying that way. During the day I can only get him to nap for maybe an hour at a time before he wakes himself up thus ensuing a vicious cycle of fussy, sleepy baby that gets harder and harder to actually put back to sleep because he is so tired from his interrupted naps.

So I crumbled. When he fell asleep on my chest I decided I would just enjoy the moment.

Plus, he smells so delicious and his head is so soft! I love being able to cuddle him and bend my head to kiss him at a moment's whim because he is so close!

Unfortunately, once a child is sleeping on you, any movement will wake the child up. So, once I ran out of things to do on my computer I decided to watch something on hulu to entertain me while Sander finished his nap. Unfortunately, nothing really caught my eye until I saw Angel with that stud muffin David Boreanaz.

I've never really watched the series but I figured, why not, since I had nothing better to do since I was holding Sander. So I started streaming a random episode from Netflix (no commercials!) which turned out to be about a poltergeist. It's not until after I finish watching it that I realize that I am totally alone, in this really big house, during the night, with a killer poltergeist on the rampage forefront in my mind.

I have an extremely over-active imagination which is why I stay away from anything even remotely scary. (Earnest Scared Stupid scared the crap out of me for weeks when I was younger and I kept imagining that bus drivers head popping out at me from behind doors and inside chests of drawers.) But I really didn't think Angel would affect me- well, it did.

I called Casey like 4 times before I realized he wasn't going to answer his phone so I holed myself up nice and good in the upstairs TV room, with ALL the lights on, watching a happy-go-lucky movie from my childhood to distract me, Harriet The Spy. Casey finally called me and told me that he was going to be WAY late, like he has been every night this week because work has been insane, and I should probably just try not to think about it and get to bed.

Uh-uoh. No way. I can't walk down the hallway without feeling the constant urge to look behind me and there is NO WAY I am bending over the sink to wash my face just to look up in the mirror and see some scary dead woman standing behind me.

Eventually I was tired enough to go downstairs and get ready for bed- plus the incessant need to pump got the better of me. (There is NOTHING worse than having more milk than you can get rid of.)

I thought I was tired enough to get over my scare, but I still lay in bed reading with all the lights on until my husband came home at 11:45. Thank goodness! Finally I was able to sleep although I was plagued by nightmares half of the night....

No more Angel for me. I'm staying AWAY from scary stuff from now on!

Am I a wuss or what?

Demon Child on Hiatus

Ever since Sander got his first shots at his two month check up on Nov. 5 he has been like a demon child.

His naps have been in half hour intervals so he has ALWAYS been fussy and tired. This past week, if he has not been sleeping, eating or bathing, he has been crying. I have gotten maybe ten minutes of pleasantness each day where I can get those rewarding smiles and goos that make all of the other fussiness OK and, let me tell you, it has NOT been balancing out!

Usually the binkie is the only thing that always soothes him so it has been getting an extra workout this week. In desperation, I went to facebook to seek some answers. I posted, "Why in the past week is my baby suddenly inconsolable around 6 or 7 pm?" The general response seemed to be that he is learning to fight sleep so he is probably just really tired and having a hard time getting to bed.

Taking that advice in mind, I rolled up my sleeves and put Sander to be early that night. Right around six o'clock. It wasn't too bad, he was asleep and I felt pretty proud of myself! My baby was asleep before he could get too fussy and I would be able to get some me-time. Then, right at 6:30 pm I heard this terrible shriek coming from the nursery. It was like he was waking up to purposefully scream at me, just to spite me.

I tried to give him his binkie, but he just cried around it. I tried to rock him, walk around, put him on his tummy, but nothing worked for an extended period of time. Finally I got him to take his binkie and he sat with me until 8:30, sucking on it and looking mad at the world, but totally awake. Finally he went down.

This week I have also been trying to break him of the habit of falling asleep in my arms. The doctor at our two month check up said I need to put him down while he is drowsy so that he can learn to put himself to sleep because that will make our lives a lot easier in the long run. Well, Sander does that wonderfully when it is nighttime and everything is dark, but not so well in the daytime which could also be a contributing factor to the appearance of our demon child.

Finally, Saturday, a ray of sunshine broke through the clouds. Or rather, a ray of my old sweet Sander baby broke through the demon baby facade. Saturday was a clean house day and Sander slept most of the morning while Casey got in his bike ride and I did other chores around the house. Casey got home from his bike ride and I was able to finish cleaning the kitchen before Sander woke up. Then I thought, "oh no. He's awake. That means he'll need to be held and have his binkie in his mouth until he goes back down in a couple of hours and I won't get anything done!" So I went and picked Sander up and he cuddled up to me, put his head on my chest and tucked his little hands underneath his body and quietly looked around at the world while I walked around.

It was amazing! My sweet baby boy was back! Then, it got better! I put him down on his playmat in the nursery, which he used to hate, and he entertained himself while Casey and I cleaned our bedroom, the bathroom and the living room. Did I say it was amazing, because it was! I couldn't BELIEVE how good he was being. It continued all day and into the week. I had forgotten that he could ever be content while he was awake and not sucking on his binkie! Plus, he started going to sleep on his own after we laid him in the nursery, wrapped him up in a blanket, gave him his binkie and a kiss on the head and closed the door.

Looking back, it was a hard week. And the thing that made the difference for me was honestly scripture study. Studying my scriptures made the difference between being exhausted and frustrated at the end of the day and being exhausted but still patient at the end of the day.

Now Sander has come back better than ever. He is full of smiles and happiness and it seems like he as grown developmentally. I feel more like he is interacting with me and less like I am interacting with him and trying to draw a response. He seems much more engaged in our playtime and is doing new and exciting things every day!

Hallelujah! The demon child has gone and sweet Sander Jay has returned! Well, maybe the demon child isn't completely gone- I'm sure there will be relapses. But at least he is on hiatus. For now.

Reclaiming the Bedroom

Life has been so busy this past week that I haven't had any time to blog, sad! Blogging for me is a great way to journal. It's nice to organize my thoughts and have some important memories stored in a safe place that also allows me to share them.

Last night was a milestone for Sander. Last night I reclaimed my bedroom. Meaning, that Sander spent the night in the nursery instead of my bedside for the first time since he was born.

He used to sleep like an angel- at least 3 hour stretches with a 5-6 hour stretch at night. Now, he is like a demon child. Up every few hours to eat with random outcries in between- it was really wearing me down. So last night I decided that I would get better sleep if he was in a place where he would only wake me up if he was really awake and hungry. That way I can break up my sleeping/awake time into definite chunks with a beginning and an end without the billion drowsy wake-up-to-reach-over-and-pop-the-binkie-back-into-Sander's-mouth-so-he'll-be-quiet-and-I-can-get-a-little-bit-more-sleep moments.

It was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. Amazing.

I could get ready for bed with the lights on while my husband and I talked about our day and plans for the next day. I could walk over to my bedside after I went to the bathroom to get a sip of water without having to worry about bumping into Sander's Rock N' Play... ugh, and so many other things that I didn't realize I had missed being able to do.

More than the physical problems that come with having a sleeping baby in your room, (like lighting, loud noises and rockers in the way) there was a internal sense of freedom and relief to having our bedroom back to ourselves. There was something about the separation of parents and child that was extremely liberating. I feel less like mom and baby with dad and more like mom and dad with baby.

I don't know if that really makes any sense to anyone else but Sander having his own room that he actually uses now is an exciting step. And, yes, it did help break up the night into definable chunks. Up at 1 AM, 3 AM, 5-5:45 AM, 7 AM (Casey took that shift and put him on his tummy so he could get out his gas and not keep waking up from it- thank goodness for husbands!) and for good at 8 AM. Granted from 6 AM on I was in this stupor where I was aware of some crying but I knew Casey was taking care of it after he got up to get ready for work. I vaguely remember being asleep with my glasses on and my mouth hanging open as Casey came in to tell me he put Sander on his tummy, he was leaving for work and he loved me. I managed to close my mouth long enough to give him a little kiss upon which, I'm sure, it promptly fell back open again as I conked out.

But, hey, life is beautiful. :)

Motherhood Surprises

I think the thing that has surprised me most about Motherhood is how fun it is.

I was really not expecting it to be this fun, this fast. I expected sleeplessness, fussy days, frustration, lack of time and depression, but not fun. And, maybe it's because I have the best baby ever, but even the negatives have seemed minimal compared to what I was taught to expect.

I think there is too much negative media about motherhood. So, for all three followers of my blog, I'm going to try to put some positive media out into the void.

Motherhood is awesome. Motherhood is rewarding. Motherhood has filled me with joy and love.

I feel so blessed to be able to stay at home and take care of my little buddy. There is no better feeling than when my little baby looks up at me with his big, beautiful eyes, sighs and lays his head against my chest with complete and utter trust as I hold him close and kiss him gently.

Each milestone is so exciting and I cannot believe that my little guy is already two months! It has passed by so quickly and I can tell that he is growing like crazy! I can envision our future ahead of us and all of the things he will experience and go through and I can't wait to be there for him.

I want to have more children, but it is hard to think about that right now. He is going to grow so rapidly and discover so many things and I want to be able to fully commit my time and attention to witnessing that miracle. I understand why people wait several years to have another kid sometimes- there is so much to experience with the first one! I don't want to miss anything because I need to spend time paying attention to another little person. Sander is such a blessing, it is like I birthed another best friend for me to love, play with and cuddle all the time. However, I'm sure that when another baby does come along, my love with expand to include both of them and I will not feel like my attention is split and I will not feel like I am missing anything. I think I will probably feel like there is twice as much to experience as we have our own little party!

I feel so sorry for parents who have no interest or the resources to be involved in their kids lives. Babies/Children are going through such an amazing experience- figuring out a language, the rules of the world they live in, how to use their body and a million other things. I WANT to be there to coach my kids and give them advice when they get stumped. I WANT to have the right as a parent to instill values and morals in my kids that are different from popular belief or worldly perspective. I know that there are parties in the world today that are fighting to push a certain agenda in the media and in schools and I will fight tooth and nail to preserve the things that I believe are right and to instruct my children in those things.

So, there is my message. Be a mom if you can. It is awesome. Don't skip it- savor it. Learn what to expect and take it in stride.

I think children can provide such a fresh, new outlook on life that is so helpful to us as adults. They remind us of forgotten things and, if we let them, teach us to freshly experience life and find joy in the small and simple things again.

My body was made to be a mother and so was my spirit. I believe that motherhood is the greatest calling that I can have in this life and I am so grateful that I am able to be a mother at this point in my life. The world undervalues motherhood and I hope that somehow, throughout my life, I can influence others to see motherhood the way I do, that they may have the opportunity to experience the greatest calling a woman can be called to in this life.

And to all you moms out there- you rock. :D

5 Wipes to a Bath

Normally I bathe my son at night before bedtime. He LOVES his bath and I think it really relaxes him. This is the story of the events which led him to finagle an additional bath this morning.

1 AM

Sander wakes me up crying. I pick him up, give him a kiss on the head and take him into the nursery to change his diaper, which was poopy, and nurse him. I burp him, lay him back down in his Rock N' Play (Which is the best thing ever- if you have a baby or know someone that is going to have one, you should get them that!) and go back to sleep.

6AM

Sander wakes me up crying. I pick him, up, give him a kiss on the head and take him into the nursery to change his diaper, which was poopy, and nurse him. I burp him, lay him back down in his Rock N' Play, take him in the kitchen so he can watch me make myself breakfast. Daddy and I chat and drink some hot tea on this chilly morning before he goes to work. Sander falls back asleep.

9 AM

Sander wakes up while I am folding laundry. I sit on the bed and nurse him first this time, because I know he will poop again afterwards. Sander poops. Sander burps, not once, but three times. I take him into the nursery and change his diaper. I put together his little play mat from Grandma Griggs and set him on it so he can see the dangling moon and star that are crunchy and jingly, respectively. Five minutes later finds me on the floor next to him organizing some of his hospital paperwork while I help him control his hands to bat at the toys. I turn back to my paperwork and hear him blast off again. I looked back at him and started laughing- "Again?? That's your fourth poop today- a record even for you, ya little poop machine!"

Wipes 1 & 2

I put him on the changing table (basically with just a little plastic pad on it- no sheet which my mom gets on me for. I just put down a cloth diaper to catch any spills or leaks.) and use two wipes to make sure his bum is poo-free. Wipes one and two get wrapped up with the diaper.

Wipe 3

Just as I'm finishing up Sander looks at me with a big smile on his face... and spits up a ton of milk. It's all over his sleeper, in his hair and his hand and he couldn't be happier. I sigh, grab a wipe and start wiping it up off the changing table, under his neck and the back of his head. I resolve that the sleeper is soaked beyond repair so it is probably time to change him into a daytime outfit anyway. Wipe 4 goes in the diaper pail.

Wipe 4

I grab Sander's feet and lift up so I can put the clean diaper underneath his bum. Just as I do he starts peeing. A perfect stream going right above his head. I quickly put my hand down on it to try and contain the peep and wait until he's done, knowing I'm going to have to get a fresh diaper now. I look over at Sander and he is in complete shock with pee all over his face and sleeper. I HAD to laugh. I grab wipe 4 and clean off his face first, the top of the diaper pail, the edge of the changing table and I didn't even touch the sleeper because that thing is SO going in the dirty laundry! Wipe 4 goes in the diaper pail. At this point, a new outfit isn't going to cut it- this boy is in serious need of a bath!

Wipe 5

I get Sander out of his sleeper and discard the now wet diaper. I take the sleeper over to the closet and put it in the dirty laundry and return to the changing table just in time to see Sander spit up again. You've won Sander! You're getting a bath! You can stop with the expulsions! :)

I wipe it up and pick up my adorable little boy, hoping that he is done excreting things for the time being. Wipe 5 goes in the garbage.

I filled up his baby bath tub and put Sander in it. I think he must have expelled everything he has because he usually pees right when he gets in but he had nada this time. I give the little guy a nice bath and soap him up from head-to-toe. He loves it! Nice clean baby! I grab his towel and right as I'm about to grab him, like an encore performance, he shoots a stream of pee right into the little cubby at the end of his bath tub.

Bravo Sander, Bravo.

And my mother wonders why I don't bother with a sheet on my changing table...

But honestly, how could anyone ever get mad at this face?

Great Feet of Strength

Ok, I know you guys are ALL thinking it, so let me say this first: yes, I am aware there is a typo in my title. It is a callback to "Robin Hood: Men In Tights," not an exemplar of my stupidity.

Now that that's out of the way, I'll move onto the purpose of this blog, which is mainly to show off my little buddy! He is getting so big and strong so fast I almost can't believe it.

Here I will show you two videos that showcase his feat of physical strength and mental leaps.

I highly recommend you set the video to the highest resolution you can to optimize Sander's adorableness and your viewing pleasure. :) If you are unsure how to do that, here are some instructions:

1. Look at the bottom of the video where it lists the length of the video.

2. Locate the resolution setting which will probably be set at the crappiest resolution it can offer, 240p.

3. Click on the 240p button and select the highest quality of video you can, 780p or 1080p.

Now that you have good resolution, here is the first video, showing Sander trying to put the binkie back into his mouth by himself:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6SqMr_3GZY

Not only is this adorable, but this video shows what a smart guy he already is. He is developing his problem solving ability which most children don't really develop until after two years of age.

If a child runs a toy into an object and it gets stuck, they will probably just cry until their brain develops enough for them to think of reversing the process, i.e. moving the toy backwards, and freeing it.

Sander already sees the problem, "Hey! that binkie should be in my mouth and it is not!" and he tries to correct it, "If I can just grab it with my tongue, or get that dang arm to push it over closer to me, maybe I can get it in my mouth!" Of course, he succeeded by wasn't smart enough to start sucking on the binkie after he got his lips around it....maybe a half genius?

Next, for his physical feat of strength! Learning to control that head and work out those shoulders:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5xGdsOch948

Yay for the little dood man! He is getting so big!

Class Schedule Madness: Part 2

Preparation

When I decided to take Fall semester off I made sure to put all my ducks in a row so that I would have no problems when I returned in Winter. I remembered when I got back from Texas and wanted to enroll from Spring/Summer, the Registration office told me that if I was gone for more than one semester I would have to reapply.

So I went to my scholarship page and deferred my Fall Scholarship. I made an appointment with my bishop and submitted an Ecclesiastical Endorsement for the Fall/Winter year. I submitted a Graduation Application for April 2011, and I received a Registration Priority Date for October 26, 2010-- today.

When I woke up this morning, I got out my laptop and signed into my Route Y account and began looking up the classes I needed to register for. When I click the Add button a little window pops up that SHOULD read, "REL C 325 has been added to your class schedule." Instead I get a evil window that says, "You are invalid to register for classes."

WHAT THE FRACK?

The Disaster

I call the admission office to find out what is going on. The student there tells me that I had to submit a deferment form if I planned on missing a semester, which I didn't do, so the system automatically kicked me out. The deadline to submit a deferment form was... October 1, 2010. NO WHERE in my search to get all my ducks in a row did I ever see any mention of this form. NO WHERE did it tell me, "If you are going to miss a Fall or Winter semester, you need to take the following steps: a . . . b . . . c . . ."

So the chick directs me to the website where I can print off the form to MAIL into BYU at which point she informs me that it can take up to three days to process, but because I missed the deadline, there is no guarantee that it will be accepted.

Remember that perfect schedule I had worked out so that I could take 14.0 credit hours and only be on campus for four hours, three days a week? Potentially down the toilet if I have to wait four days to register for my classes. IF they accept my form to let me register at all. No classes, no graduation in April 2011.

On top of it all, my fabulous baby who has been sleeping 4-6 hour stretches through the night woke me up every 2 hours last night.

The Breakdown

I had a breakdown.

The Solution

I called Casey and told him everything that was going on in between sobs. He was awesome and really supportive. He gave me just the advice I needed to get me going again. He said, "Tukataa (that's his Thai nickname for me, meaning 'little doll') you need to go down there and do what you do best. Talk to an administrator, not a student who can't do anything, and don't leave until they fix it for you. All they probably have to do is click a button and it will be fixed."

So I got up, quickly got ready, threw Sander in his car seat and headed down to campus to try to get the whole thing taken care of before the 11 AM Devotional when the entire campus goes on break. When I got there I skipped the student windows and went straight to the Registration Counselors Office. I talked to the receptionist and told her I needed to see someone and asked if anyone was available. She told me that I was not allowed to make a same day appointment so I would need to come back tomorrow. . .

uh, no.

I told her, "Dude, I live 45 minutes away. Isn't there anyone who can see me today? I can be here all day." So she said that she would go check with the counselor and see what she could do for me. And, lo and behold; God is good, God is great- my counselor's 10:00 appointment had cancelled on him and he could see me right away.

I went in and talked to him, a Mr. Selk, and told him my whole situation. He got online and entered some things into some form boxes, clicked a button and told me I could now register for classes. I was in there with him for no more than five minutes. A four day process was reduced down to five minutes. My buns were saved.

I went out of the building, got on my laptop and registered for all my classes except one which I need a permission code for. Luckily, I took a class from the professor about 5 years ago so I remembered him. I went to the Harris Fine Arts Center and asked for his e-mail and schedule to see if he might be around so I could talk to him before I left. Lo and behold; God is good, God is great- he had an office hour that hour and was in the building. I went down and waited outside his door for a little while as he had stepped out. Sander had been amazing through the whole process! He was so quiet and alert, just looking around at everything with only occasional outbursts. So I rewarded him by taking him out of his car seat and played with him while I waited. Dr. Hollingshaus came back not too much later and invited me into his office. We talked about the class, about life and my new baby. He was extremely congenial and inviting- taking the time to chat with me as a peer when he really didn't have to.

The class is going to be really hard and a lot of work. He said the 395 class should really be a 500 or 600 level class because of all the reading they do and because it is the same class they teach to their grad students. Yikes. He said they are, however, very generous in their grading; they grade more for effort than a right answer. So it will require a lot out of me, but the professor is cool and seems willing to help out students who want to learn.

Altogether, a potentially disastrous morning didn't turn out too badly. I have my ideal schedule, I have registered for all my classes (except the TMA 395 but Prof. Hollingshaus is going to e-mail me the code when he gets it) and my scholarship is still available for me. No doubt about it, being a student and a new mom is going to be difficult. But I think a degree is a worthy pursuit and I will rely on the Lord to help me get though it.

Triumph at Last

I was finally able to catch a picture of Sander smiling!

It has been kind of a rough morning because he has been so gassy. Saturday, 23 October he was awake practically all day- from 1:00 PM - 11:30 PM. Then he slept for 6 1/2 hours and almost all day on Sunday 24 October except to occasionally wake up to eat. I was so worried that he was going to be awake all night last night but he actually didn't do too bad. He ate every 2-3 hours but I was able to get some sleep.

This morning he was so gassy and really having a hard time sleeping. He threw up on me twice and I was cleaning the house in between his small napping / screaming sessions. Then at 11:30 I realized that I was starving because I hadn't eaten anything yet nor had I brushed my teeth or showered. So I kissed him on the head and was planning on going to make myself something to eat when I realized that he was totally awake. He spit his binkie out and I went to put it back in so he could soothe himself back to sleep. The second I tapped his lip with the binkie to get him to open up so I could pop the bink back in, he broke out in the widest grin.

Commence the photo shoot! I grabbed my camera and took 224 high speed burst shots of him goo-ing and gaa-ing and making adorable faces. This is the only good picture I got of his big gummy grin.

SUCCESS, success! Grandma Montrose in VA is very pleased to have this picture of her grandson as is Sander's father who has yet to see this face on Sander (Sander mostly just pees and poops on him rather than smiling at him. Don't worry Dad! He'll get there with you too (; ).

I got lots of other adorable faces out of him so I'm going to make a whole album on Facebook called, "The Various Faces of Sander Jay." Check it out on my page later on today if you're interested!

Class Schedule Madness

Now that I'm back in Utah I can finish my degree at school instead of doing awful online classes (yay!) in which I have to find the motivation to do the work and finish the class within a year (which, btw, I stink at. I took 2 classes in Texas and I had to pay a late fee to extend one of the classes-- it took me a year and a half to finish them both.)

Being able to be in a classroom with a teacher, peers and a syllabus with deadlines is definitely preferable to me. I have just 11 credits and one semester to go before I graduate! Or at least, that's what I thought. Upon closer inspection at my graduation plan I realized that I forgot about one 100 level, 3.0 credit class that is mandatory for my major. That brings the grand total of credits up to 14.0 turning this semester from fun, easy part-time student to stressful, time consuming, full-time student.

Being the top dog at BYU; AKA, a senior; I get to register for the classes I want first! My deadline is approaching-- Oct. 26-- and now I have a decision to make.

Scheduling Options

I am a mother now. Do I sacrifice the class that I really want to do for a schedule that requires less time on campus (and therefore fewer hours I would need to pay a babysitter to watch Sander) and allows me to go in later in the day? Or do I take the class I know I would really enjoy and am interested in and deal with the longer hours on campus, the 6:30 wake up on Mondays and the 5:30 wake up on Wednesdays and the higher babysitter fees?

The class I really want to do would require me to be in class from 9-3 on Monday, 8-3 on Wednesday and 12-3 on Fridays. These times I have listed have a class during every hour with no time to eat or pump my milk if I get too full except in the 10 minutes I have in between classes. On my longest day, even if I feed Sander right before I leave, that is 8 1/2 hours that Sander would be with a sitter and I would have to go without pumping. . . yikes.

The other class, with a bare minimum schedule, would only require me to be on campus from 12-4 MWF. That's only 5 1/2 hours on campus. This is also not including the extra time I have to be on campus to take exams and work on any group projects.

When I put it like that the choice seems obvious and yet a little part of me still rebels against it. The early class is an advanced cooking class (the 3rd level I will have taken where we actually get to run a restaurant on campus!) and the more I talk with Casey the more it seems like those skills would come in handy in our future career path. But it's much earlier in the day and requires two more hours on campus than the other alternative- a Parenting and Child Rearing class, that would also be interesting (probably), but not as fun. Going with the Parenting class I wouldn't have to leave to go onto campus until 11 a.m. which would be an advantage during the winter semester because it would give any snow that fell during the night a chance to melt, making the roads and the journey to campus much safer and faster.

Alternatively, I could still do the Parenting class but take a Latin Dance class in place of a religion class and instead do the religion class online. Then I would be on campus 11-4. But, that's still 6 1/2 hours I would have to go without pumping, 2.0 more credits tacked onto my schedule, bringing me to 16 credits, with more out of class hours that I would need to practice the dances with my partner.

*sigh*

I guess I know what I have to do. The most important thing is Sander. I want to be there to take care of him and not spend most of my days on campus and most of my nights ignoring him to get my homework done. The second most important thing in this is to get my degree. I've come too far to give up on it now. The parenting class will still be beneficial and interesting and has many more checks in the pros column than the cons. Choosing to become a mother will require sacrifice and I am willing to be responsible for the life I have created. I have a responsibility to his welfare and development first and foremost. And, to be honest, all he has to do is look at me with those beautiful blue eyes, flash that big gummy smile while he gurgles at me and suddenly, it doesn't feel like much of a sacrifice at all.

Happy Coming to Earth day!

Yay! A New Baby! And this time it's mine!

I have lots of pictures posted on facebook so I'll only put a few up here.

Delivery

My water broke at 8:00 PM on Sunday, August 29th. All I could think of to say was, "Oops." as I stared down at the growing puddle of water on my kitchen floor and thought about my September 13 due date and all of the baby stuff I still hadn't bought. Casey did a good job only being minorly hysterical while we packed the rest of the stuff we needed into our hospital bags and headed up to St. Marks Hospital. I wish we had been able to finish our Hypnobabies class (we had 2 sessions left) because the extra practice probably would have helped me though the following 29 hours of labor.

I actually did pretty well with the labor- I was singing show tunes in between waves around noon on Monday, but around 7:00 PM, with no rest, food and minimal water in my system I was exhausted. My waves were off the charts strong and very close together. I had no reserves left to deal with the strong contractions and I hollered for an epidural. It took me a long time to actually let the guy stick it in me because I was so close to finishing the birth naturally like I wanted to, but I was very grateful for it. It allowed me to sleep for a half an hour and then I woke up and I think it must have been wearing off because I could feel my waves again and the incontrollable urge to GET THAT BABY THE HECK OUT OF ME.

After an hour of pushing, at 12:45 AM Tuesday, the doctor finally stuck his fingers under Sander's armpits and pulled him out accompanied by a HUGE sigh of relief from me. It was all worth it as soon as they put that beautiful, perfect little boy up onto my chest. He was so perfect and gorgeous and completely surreal. It seemed like after the 9 months and 29 hours of labor that he would never be a person outside of me. I got to hold him for a really long time afterwards which provided a good distraction from the doctor stitching me up- he was not gentle...

About Sander

Sander had jaundice so we didn't get to leave the hospital until Thursday morning. We had some bilibeds delivered to our house and kept him under those for awhile (which he hated) but the jaundice went down and we are doing awesome now.

Sander is the sweetest, most chill baby I have ever seen. He is such a little angel and so easy to be with- I find it really hard to put him down for naps while I'm awake during the day. <3

He has a webbed toe on his right foot which he inherited from his daddy.

He also has a less apparent webbed toe on his left foot that looks like the webbed toe his Grandma Zaugg has on both feet.

His right ear also doesn't seem to have any space underneath the rim at the top. It's just plastered down with a line that makes you think there is space underneath but when you try to pull it up you discover that it is an optical illusion- no space, sealed up tight. I think it might still pop out as he plumps up but Casey has informed me that I'm delusional.

Other than those eccentricities everything else seems to be perfect. He looks just like his daddy but I think the older he gets the more Montrose I can see in his face. His most noticable features are his quizzical brow and pursed lips. I can already tell that he is skeptical of everything he sees and is content to just sit back and observe his world. Aside from being skeptical though, he is the sweetest cuddle-bug I could ever ask for. It's a good thing too- hopefully he won't mind how much his mom loves on him as he gets older (well, until he becomes a teenager at least. I'm not completely delusional.)

Never thought I could love someone so much that I wouldn't mind getting up every couple of hours during the night and interrupting my sleep. I'm excited to see how he grows and develops and I'm particularly excited for when he smiles his goofy smile at me with his eyes open and not just while he's asleep after he farts. Oh man, that kid makes me laugh so much already.

I'm excited to experience his discoveries, family holidays and individual growth with him over the years. Don't get me wrong though- I'm not wishing away this cuddly lump stage at all. I'm going to try to enjoy every part of each unique stage he goes though. It only happens once.