Have You Ever Noticed....

Disclaimer: All of the below is said Tongue In Cheek so please read it as such. Otherwise it is going to come off as really High-In-Mighty and all scoldy which is really not me. So please, people. Tongue In Cheek.

Have you ever noticed that when you see a woman do something in the kitchen, or with her child that you don't agree with, you just keep your mouth shut and think, "I don't agree with that, but, it's her kitchen/child and that is how she is choosing to handle that."

But, if we see a man do something we don't like we automatically have license to correct him because he's just a stupid man that doesn't know how to do anything when he's out of his domain AKA work.

That is something that I have just recently realized that many women, including myself, do subconsciously and, for men, annoyingly often. I know that I think I am helping to correct my wayward Husband or Father or Brother when I correct them so quickly but really I am cutting their confidence in half and driving them away from participating in the kitchen or with child care or any number of domestic tasks that women ALWAYS wish their husbands were more involved in.

I'm pretty possessive about my kitchen and I would always tell Casey what he was doing wrong while he was cooking or loading the dishwasher etc. because I can be pretty particular. One day Casey just walked out of the kitchen and I thought exasperatedly, "Ugh. Now his ego is hurt and I have to go pet it and make it better when all I'm trying to do is help him be better! Can't he see that?!?"

Then Casey made a point that has changed our marriage forever. He told me, "I can be right in the kitchen." And I thought, "That's true." He can be right in the kitchen. Just because he is not doing something exactly how I would do it, doesn't mean that he isn't valid in his approach. Ever since I have taken that stance in our marriage and I go to nit-pick him, I first think, "Casey can be right in the kitchen." It has taken time for me to let go, but it has increased Casey's confidence and made him WANT to participate more in domestic tasks which gives both of us a lot of joy.

We LOVE working together to cook a meal, do the dishes or clean the house. It is very gratifying and fun because he feels confident in his abilities around the house and I love being with him. He is also a wonderful and involved father who is confident in taking care of our son. My friends are always amazed when I would leave the house right after I had the baby- they would always say, "Where is your baby?!" I would tell them my husband was taking care of him and they were always shocked.

Granted, some men don't feel comfortable with being left with an infant and that is fine. Babies are definitely a learning experience, but Casey felt confident and I feel confident in him so I entrust him with all the tasks that I normally do to take care of our child.

This blends over into all areas of our relationship. Men can be right. And since I have let go of my superior, let-me-teach-you-how-to-do-things-around-the-house-correctly attitude, I have become a better cook and housekeeper because Casey has taught ME how to do things better than the way I used to do them.

I'm SO grateful for a wonderful husband who is willing to find the joy in housework and tell me what he thinks of my curtains instead of using the stupid excuse, "Why should I care about the curtains? I'm a man." UUGGHHHH! Definitely something that won't fly in our house- using your gender as an excuse for apathy or laziness. But gender is also not an excuse to assume that one point of view is constantly right and one is constantly wrong....although I am usually right. :)

So women, let your men be right. If you want your man to help out in the house, don't nag him! Make it fun, boost his confidence so that he enjoys being home more than being at work because he feels loved and supported. That is the way to snag your man.

EXAMPLE:

One time, early in our marriage, Casey was sitting on the couch playing on his computer while I was in the kitchen making spaghetti. I was annoyed that he was choosing laziness over helpfulness but instead of complaining about it I tried a little experiment. I said, "Casey, how do you always get the hamburger to break up into such even little chunks when you cook it? Mine always look so lumpy..." Lo and behold, that brought him right into the kitchen to show off his skillz! Not too long after that when he realized that he was making the sauce while I prepared the salad, bread and pasta he looked at me slyly and said, "You said that because you knew that would get me in here to help make dinner didn't you? You don't really admire my even little chunks!" Lol- he knows me too well. But he does make more even chunks when browning hamburger than I do and it was a better way to get him in the kitchen than giving him a guilt trip.

SUCCESS!

2010 Reflections

WARNING: This post contains religious overtones. I respect that some people may not feel about religion as I do, but it's my blog so I'm going to talk about how I feel on the subject. I would just ask any commenters to follow your mother's advice: "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." :)

As I went through my meetings in church today, several people made comments about their reflections of the year 2010. That made me realize that I haven't really reflected on my year at all.

Thinking back over the year 2010, it was definitely the most difficult year of my life. Most people have maybe one or two life altering events a year. I can think of at least four that happened to me in 2010.

I moved to Utah, got in a pretty bad car accident that totaled our car, my husband left the church, and I had a baby. I also started school again, taking an 18 credit hour semester which was a humdinger! (I wanted to get in as many credits as possible before baby came, and with the looming prospect of being a full time mom and student this coming Winter semester, I am SO GLAD I did!) However, for the purposes of this post, I am going to focus mainly on the first four events that I shared with you.

As often happens in life, sometimes some of the sweetest blessings come when we are enduring bitter circumstances.

Moving to Utah!

Upon moving to Utah I have had the opportunity to meet some of the most wonderful people and friends that I have ever had in my life. In the short 8 months that we have lived here I have discovered more of a community in my little neighborhood than I have ever encountered in any of the five places I have lived since I moved away from my home Ward, where I had known most of the people since my childhood, to go to college. What first seemed like a sheltered, closed, cold community opened up into an outpouring of love and support from so many wonderful people in my neighborhood. All it took was a little bit of an effort on my part to get involved and to get to know people.

I am so grateful for the people that I have met that have unhesitatingly opened their arms and unstintingly poured out their love to me. I don't think they will ever know how much I needed that this year and how much it has saved me.

Car Accident!

Earlier this year we got in a car accident that totaled our poor Subaru and most of the possessions that we had packed in an effort to clean out our Texas apartment for the big move. A car going 30-40 mph broadsided our car on my passenger side, perfectly plowing into our car in the exact middle of our tires. I was 14 weeks pregnant at the time. Miraculously, I walked away with only three staples to close the gash in my head caused by the glass from my window, a bruise on my right calf and a sore body for a couple of days. The baby was totally fine and probably had a good time sloshing around in the amniotic fluid ("fun mom! can we do that again?!"). Later that day, when we went to salvage what we could from our car, the guy who towed our car was amazed to see that I had escaped with so little injury.

I attribute my protection to guardian angels and thank the Lord that my husband had us say a prayer of safety before we left the IHOP where we had eaten breakfast, just 3 minutes before our accident.

Apostasy!

Not long after the accident, a huge surprise came my way. My husband left the church. Many of you may be thinking, "So what? What's the big deal?" But you have to understand, that I have tried to live my entire life in such a manner that I could marry a man in the temple and raise my children in the gospel. I have worked my entire life to be able to have a home that radiates joy, love and service as we worship Christ and try to emulate his example. Having a husband who also wants to have a happy home, but no longer agrees with the projected path to get there, was a huge adjustment to my life perspective. I share the selfish reasons why my husband's change of attitude was hard for me, but there are also monumental spiritual and eternal consequences for his welfare that were just as difficult for me to come to terms with (but, he doesn't want to read about that. (; ). There were several stages of transition as I tried to deal with this new reality, all of which were just as hard as the previous ones.

His disbelief made me really question my belief in the Church and I had to seriously and honestly reevaluate my testimony. While this has been one of the hardest things that I have ever had to go through, I can look back and truly see that "all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good, and to my name’s glory, saith the Lord." D&C 98:3.

My husbands decision made me realize that I needed to make a hard decision about whether I believed in the church or not. I could no longer sit on the fence with certain issues. I either believed or I didn't. And, after a lot of prayer and study, I knew that I did believe. I knew that I could not walk away from the knowledge and experiences I have been given. "I knew it, and I knew that God knew it, and I could not deny it, neither dared I do it; at least I knew that by so doing I would offend God, and come under condemnation" Joseph Smith-- History 1: 25.

It would have been a lot easier to not push the issue with my husband and just go along with his decision for the sake of saving contention in our marriage, for the sake of staying on the same page, for the sake of not losing my best friend. I have never been so in tune with anyone more than I am in tune with my husband. We know and understand each other so well and we are honestly each other's best friend. Holding to my faith was going to put a big gap in between us that could only be crossed by me giving up my faith or him, by returning to the church. I knew that, and that made my decision even harder because I knew that my husband would not be interested in returning to the church for a long time, if ever. But I could not turn my back on my faith.

So, I redoubled my efforts and started striving to live even the smallest of commandments. I know that if I get lackadaisical in the practice of my faith, it will be almost impossible to resist taking the easy path and letting all of this go by the wayside. But I believe in my religion and I have come to see and feel that, the more I strive to keep even the smallest of commandments, the more blessings I receive and the more joy I feel. So, even in this seeming catastrophic trial, I have felt great blessings in my life.

Baby!

The fourth life changing event was having a baby. I don't think this needs much explanation since many of my blogs are dedicated to the trials and joys of motherhood, but I will say this: I love my baby boy. I love being a mom. Even when days are hard, I can't wait to see what sports he will like, if he is good in school, if he likes blocks or legos better, what college he decides to attend etc. etc. etc. And I plan to have more kids to add to the chaos and the joy.

2010 was definitely one of the hardest of my life and, to be honest, I really don't know what 2011 has in store for me. But I am determined to go forward in faith, doing my best to find the blessings amidst the trials and rejoicing in my God who loves me and has blessed me so abundantly.

God is good. God is great.

The Ideal- What's Wrong with It?

I have been thinking long and hard about "the ideal." In fact, I was so deep in thought in the shower that I almost washed my face twice! Or maybe I had already washed it twice and I stopped myself on the third go around......

Anyway. I have been thinking about Ideals, more specifically, the Ideal of a family unit. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints released The Family: A Proclamation to the World in September 1995. In that document they talk about the ideal family unit with a mother and a father who each have unique and divine qualities and responsibilities.

Some people have a problem with ideals because they feel that ideals are essentially unattainable and therefore depressing because people always feel like they are failing or falling short. Many people in the world today are spouting theories or amoral relativity. In other words, there are no ideals, there is no right way. It is all about what ever works for you and what you think is best.

The latter part of that statement I agree with- conditionally. But, it needs some tweaking.

Ideals are great things. Ideals are things that are meant to be striven for- not necessarily obtained. Remember the saying: "Shoot for the moon. Then, if you fall short, you will at least hit the stars." If we, as a society, do not have an ideal and strive to maintain it, then the natural entropic forces of life will degrade the ideal further. It is only but putting in the work, striving for the ideal, fighting against entropic forces, that we can resist the natural degradation of society.

I understand that there are many different types of people and families and, ultimately, you have to do what works for you. Each person has to evaluate their circumstances and do the best that they can, but that doesn't mean that they cannot hold the ideal as a distant goal.

I know some people who don't want to have children, and that's fine. That is their choice. But, personally, the people that I know that don't want to have kids, don't want kids because they had home lives that were screwed up in some way and they don't want to inflict, what they view as a normal childhood, on children of their own. And maybe that is noble. But, just because we are born into circumstances doesn't mean that we are not allowed to change them or rise above them.

Maybe, ideally, if these people grew up in homes with a mother and father who were patient, loving and kind, then they would understand the joy that can come from being part of a family unit and they would want to have kids. But, life often finds us short of our ideal preferences.

Maybe, if our society didn't define our contributions to our families by our gross income, women would find more joy in being mothers and staying home to raise their kids. It is SO naive to believe that the most and best thing a woman and a man can contribute to their families is money. We have so much more to give- why does society limit us in this way?!?

I went through this struggle. I left college early because I got married and my husband got a job in Texas. I freaked out. What are people going to think of me if I have kids and don't finish college? What am I going to say when people ask me what I do and I have no professional career accomplishments to share with them? Am I always going to have to bear that hidden scorn that people are always one second two slow to hide from my discerning eye?

Well, guess what? I know who I am, and I know what is important. Yes, I was married at 19. Yes, I have a son. No, I haven't finished my degree. Yes, I will graduate by April 2011 because I believe a quality education is important. I defy society to tell me that because I will be a stay-at-home mother that I am wasting my life and my talents in a position that is little better than a slave or a maid. (Which I also disagree with. Being a Mom requires sacrifice and selflessness but the rewards are great. I find that when I struggle most as a mother, it is because I am being selfish in some way or another. Selfisness- an indulgence I gave up when I decided to raise a child- for the most part. (-:)

Society- you don't get it. There are seasons of life. When I was single, I could try to have a career and change the world. When my children are grown I can try to have a career and change the world- if I want. Right now, I have a son. And I plan to have more children, and at this season in my life I am going to be a Mom. A Super Duper Mom.

"The Hand that Rocks the Cradle is the Hand that Rules the World." Mothers raise the next generation. If all the women are out, working, and leaving their children to be raised by other people- then they are giving up their chance to influence the next generation. Some mothers choose to work, and some mothers have to work and that is fine. You have to do what You have to do.

But that doesn't mean that there cannot be an ideal and that we cannot strive for it to the best as our circumstances will allow us to.

Let's hold onto our ideals. Let's strive for our ideals and in so doing, make the world a better place.

Otherworldly Experiences

I just finished reading The Message by Lance Richardson and Return from Tomorrow by George G. Ritchie with Elizabeth Sherrill.

The first book is about a man who was in a coma while completely on life support and the second is about a soldier who died for nine minutes. Each of them share the experiences they had while suspended from their earthly bodies and while each book is very different, there are a lot of commonalities between them. From the things I believe about the afterlife I believe that both are equally plausible and can work in harmony with each other.

Tuesday was my neighborhood book club (it was my first time going and I really had a good time! I love the ladies in my ward!) and we discussed these two books. One commonality that I love is the theme of love and compassion from our Savior. I have heard a few after-death experiences from people and they all seem to remember an overwhelming feeling of love and acceptance from the Savior who showed no judgment for their past mistakes. It was the guilty party that, when they reviewed their life and how their decisions impacted others, judged themselves. Both books also stressed the necessity for us to treat others with that same compassion by joyfully loving and serving our fellow man without restraint.

Another thing I really liked in The Message, is that he talked about how he was met by family members on the other side of the veil and he learned that, often when we are inspired to do something, or are protected from something, it is a family member on the other side who is there whispering to us or protecting us. In Return from Tomorrow he also describes people in a type of hell who are linked to this earth because of addictions, attitudes or behaviors. He describes another level above those consumed spirits that is filled with other people, reaching down and trying to minister to the spirits bound by their behaviors but the spirits don't notice the people ministering to them because they are so intent on back-biting or trying to get a smoke or another glass of alcohol. It occurred to me that, if I combine the perspective from both books, maybe the ministering people are also family members of those addicted spirits.

While we were speaking about family members ministering to us while we are on this earth I had an interesting thought about the car accident Casey and I were in as we moved here from Texas.

We were barely 15 minutes from our apartment, our car loaded down with the remainder of our earthly possessions when we were broadsided by another car going 30-40 mph. The car hit us right in the center of our wheels, crushing my seat and me along with it. The accident should have been a really bad one as Casey and I were told by the guy who towed our car. The tow guy didn't think that whoever had been in that passenger side would be walking around anytime soon and was amazed to find out that I was the passenger. I escaped with three staples to close up a cut in my head, a bruise on my right calf and a sore body for days. Casey wasn't hurt in the slightest.

It truly was miraculous and I have often thought that there was a guardian angel watching over Casey and I that day. I think saying a prayer asking for safety before we left on our trip and keeping our temple covenants also helped to protect us. While we were discussing these books in book club the idea came to me that maybe it wasn't just a faceless guardian angel. Maybe it was my Grandpa Utah who died less than six months before that. Maybe my Grandfather was taken from this earth life at just the right moment so that he could fulfill other work on the other side, and maybe a part of that work was making sure that Casey, me and the 14 week old baby in my tummy were safe from harm.

It is comforting to believe that our guardian angels have familiar faces and spirits that we are already acquainted with in some way.

There were a lot of other interesting points and impressions I gleaned from these two books but I won't spend too much time blogging about it. I would highly recommend reading them for yourselves though! They are short, each of them around 150 pages with large print, and they have some really neat things in them.

One thing is for sure, so many people have near-death experiences and come back to share messages with loved ones and their experience with the public- there is definitely more for us after this world.

Life does not end at death. And reading books like these makes me reflect on this question- am I prepared for the afterlife?

Isn't life funny?

Hello all! How is life? Crazy as ever I'm sure. :-)

Well, to catch you up, Casey is traveling again- going to Kansas this time. Not so far away but it is a really busy case and it keeps him hopping. I am seeing the last my Secretary days- I turned in my two weeks and my last day is May 5th. Then Casey and I are heading out to Utah for the St. George triathlon! At this point I still don't have a bike for my triathlon but Casey and I are still looking and keeping our fingers crossed. I went to a bike shop to get measured the other day and they were really helpful in teaching me what to look for in a bike for myself. Today I did the biking and running portion in 1 1/2 hours and I felt really good afterward so I think I will be able to add the swimming with no problem.

I did decide to do Pampered Chef- I have my first show tomorrow (Thursday) and I'm really excited for it. I hope it turns out well. I am expecting about 10 people which I think will be a good amount. I got my New Consultant kit full of products a couple of weeks ago and I had a blast- I spent at least two hours playing with everything and reading all of the recipes and care instructions that are included with them. I'm really excited to be able to show them to other people.

Last Saturday Casey and I made the most AMAZING cinnamon rolls. It was a recipe for the bread maker though so when I figure out how to translate it to be made without one- I will post here. :-)

So, I really wanted to buy a big professional camera to take all our pictures and to shoot some of the wildlife around here- but I'm now giving up that hope in exchange for a new laptop! Then Casey and I will both have one and mine will double as our home desktop which I am super excited for since our desktop has been acting up lately.

Well, that is about all that is new here- just surviving and taking life one day at a time. I hope you all had a Happy Easter!